Why are we so complicated when it comes to relationships?

I started writing this months ago, more like listing question after question and suddenly remembered to revisit it and well, finally piece it together

Ok first of all, I am no saint and just as flawed as you are and after a long lapse of working on myself and getting my life together, I finally decided to get into the world of dating. (Sorry family! I know you all are reading this haha!!).

Just like any new single ready to mingle person, I decided to join Tinder and boy it was TERRIBLE! While some of the men you match with, will have decent conversations, and then drop off the face of the world, while some of them are looking for casual hook-ups. But what was I looking for? At this point, I had no idea because I was just as confused as the men were! Oh, and by the way, the number of married men and men with partners or girlfriends on Tinder was appalling! (I shall not say names).

So, after a terrible start into the dating scene, I lost hope and threw myself into work, social life and working out like a mad woman. I am also not ashamed to admit that I had a one-night stand and that was enough for me to realise that wasn’t for me. And please eh, stop judging me!

After 2 more attempts at dating last year, I decided to give up and leave it to the universe to align me with whomever I was meant to meet. I realized that I want to be in a proper relationship at some point , when, I don’t know. We are all so flawed. It is all a blur, and we all want different things and that is totally fine, but it still bugs me.

I still do have so many questions and thoughts. So here goes:

1. Being a divorced woman, I was quick to notice how that would scare away men. Although I am glad it does because that way it keeps the weaklings away from women like me! hahaha

2. I earn for myself and look after myself and somehow that raises questions and insecurities. Because why?

3. Last year, the guy told me I was too "well established" for him and he felt bad that I would have to settle bills and well be the “man” when it came to providing. Of course, that ended but then also he ghosted me! Eyeroll*

4. Why are we afraid of sharing exactly how we feel with the person we are with?

5. Sometimes I get so caught up with what will people think and say about me?

6. Why do men try so hard in the beginning and then once they get you, they stop? Like they never fail to like every single picture and comment at the start but then what, their social meter runs out? What are they scared of?

7. I get asked, you must be talking to a lot of guys. No. I don’t. I engage in conversations if it is of interest and shut down any conversation that is sleazy or sexist.

8. I don’t like taking hints. Speak to me directly or leave me alone.

9. I have had guys tell me I seem like the fun girl. Sooooo, what does that mean? Yes, I am fun but then maybe learn to take me seriously please?

10. And one time, my skin colour was a problem.

11. Why do men think that a single woman is frustrated because she is not having sex, so then it gives them the pass to make jokes about oh “time for servicing”. It is 2021, women know how to take care of themselves. #gofigure!

12. Women like to be wooed, what’s wrong with that? And what is wrong with a woman wooing a man or wanting to get the bill on a first “date”?

13. Why is it wrong for a woman to make the first move?

14. Why do we use humour to mask our true feelings and emotions?

15. Why are we so afraid of relationships? I don’t think everything should be defined immediately but still, when do we know when there has been enough time for definition?

16. Why can’t we be honest if we are just done instead of cheating on someone who is being loyal or why do we ghost someone?

17. Why do I have to ask so many questions to make sense of all this! hahaha

No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. If I think about myself, I try and I try so hard to not make those same mistakes, I try to be better at this whole “dating” thing and more accepting, to let loose and be more flowing. I love myself and I am not afraid of being alone.

In the end we are human after all and crave, kindness, love, affection, and attention with equal parts of confusion and anxiety! If, none of this made sense to you, don’t worry it still doesn’t make sense to me! hahaha