From The Side-lines

It took a work trip to Kiribati to really knock some sense into me. Between the electricity and internet outages, what else can one do but contemplate life choices?

So here I am, listening to the whirring of the generator and then hearing it switch to normal supply while I write this. It’s Sunday and it feels like I have been here forever. Between getting here, the beers, fish weigh-in competition, star gazing and ice cream, I feel as if I was watching myself from the side-lines or in a third-person perspective.

Update: I never really completed writing the above. So here I am picking up this barely started blog piece where my thought process was all about watching my life unfold from the side-lines or something like that and now, I am back in Suva and getting ready for a 2 weeks of hectic work schedule.

This year has been equal parts of chaos, busyness, fun, sadness and joy. I caught myself watching myself from the side-lines and wondering- would the woman I was this time last year, be proud of myself? I don’t know if any of this makes sense to you but if you can relate to it, let me know your version 😊

I am proud of myself and what I have managed to achieve this year but there is a part of me that is not so proud of myself and I wish those aspects did not happen, or I had made better choices and decisions. Then I remind myself, that things happen for a reason and while I may be the overthinker, perhaps it’s all part of the plot in my life story. I honestly don’t know.

If you are wondering when you will get to read more about my dating life, well well well!  This year I had given up on dating, got off all the apps and was just ok with being content on my own then have yet another man disappoint me. They say when you least expect it, is when you meet someone amazing. And it is true, you meet amazing people that come into your life, and you know you have a friend for life while trying to figure out that little space between it all and if this is going to grow into something solid. Ok I know that doesn’t make any sense, but just know this is intentional to keep you confused. Keep reading!  

I am forever thankful for my friends and family who have been my reality check and call me out on my bullshit. There have been numerous occasions where we have argued and stormed out of each other's faces only to come back the next day, admit the wrong, accept the wrong and do the right thing. What would I do without them!

Back to the sidelines, where I reckon it feels safe to watch my life unfold without having to be an adult, work, pay bills, feed myself, exercise, socialize and the list goes on. Don’t get me wrong, while I have enjoyed my life this year, there has been the other side to it as well, the numerous nights I had to cry myself to sleep, feeling extremely anxious and doubting myself, the desire to feel loved and seen by a guy and complaining about how hard my life feels.

But then from the side line, I have a lot to be thankful for, a lot about myself that I need to work on and improve, to unlearn and heal, to let go and get rid of and that’s what I find to be the most comforting thing about retreating to the side line and actively watching my life unfold.

I know, this might read as all sorts, but coming back to me, I am content and thank God for this year and all the good, bad and ugly that have happened to me. Super excited for a new year and endless possibilities whether it will be good or bad, I know that I will own it and only retreat to the side line from time to time to check in with myself for myself.